Spiderbait
by RawrFangMonster
Summary: A tactical retreat is out of the question. Tony has to squash the spider.


A/N So...my third Iron Man, and tenth fanfic...well, I've had this written up for a while, so technically it's my first Iron Man story. But I disgress.

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**Disclaimer: No matter how hard I huff and puff, I will never own Iron Man. I do own this story, though, plotwise.**

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Tony ran with speeds hitherto unseen. His beloved assistant had unleashed a shriek of the purest terror.

As Tony skidded into the bathroom he very nearly yelped at the absolutely humongous spider currently situated between Pepper and the way out. With wide eyes she trembled and cowered against the far wall.

"Peps, look at me, aren't my masculine charms nicer to rest your eyes on than that hideous spider, right? How it even get in here, anyway?"

This produced a watery smile. Indeed, Tony made a much finer picture than, well, most things, actually, but she wasn't quite prepared to say that aloud.

"That's it. Just keep on looking this way and ignore that- oh shit!"

Tony danced around as the spider decided to run at his very climbable legs. He was trying very hard not to let out that girly shriek a lot like Pepper's that he had been holding in. Mostly because of a Halloween and Rhodey and some rubber spiders and Tony doesn't want to think about it anymore.

"Tony! Whack it! Whack it with your shoe! Arghhh!"

The creature realised that the way Tony leapt around it was nigh on impossible for it to do any climbing so it made a beeline for Pepper.

"Watch out! Hairy legs incoming! Pepper, move! Here, if you dart around the sink and jump off the tub, I'll catch you."

"What darting?! There's a huge spider, and you want me to dart?! I don't think so!"

"Okay, then I'll come get you. Hold on!"

With some first class footwork Tony reached the terrified Pepper. He immediately stood protectively in front of her, glaring down warily at the spider. The spider reared up, and bared its fangs.

"Shit." Said Tony, summing up their whole situation quite adequately.

With its little angry spider rage, it began its run at the pair. Tony set his face resolutely and quickly slipped off his shoe. With one last look at his faithful trainer he slammed it down on the spider.

All was quiet.

Then, "Oh yuck, yuck, so gross, I have spider guts on my shoe."

Pepper gave a relieved, slightly hysterical giggle. "Thanks, Tony. I know you loved those trainers. But it was for a worthy cause. That spider is dead, dead, dead."

But not quite. The shoe started lifting. "Oh, no freaking way, you have to be kidding me. It's a mutant spider."

Pepper gasped. The shoe was flipped on its side, and angry legs wriggled.

"Hot damn, that's the worst thing I've ever seen," Tony said in a voice that was just a little high.

Advancing menacingly, the spider glared at them with its eight beady eyes. Blanching, Tony looked for an exit.

Unfortunately, to get to the exit one needed to circumnavigate the spider, and having flashbacks of a Halloween, Tony wasn't quite ready to do that.

"Jarvis?" Tony whispered. "How do I kill a mutant spider?"

"Well, sir, I would advise squashing it. Perhaps your trainer just bounced off it."

Better than nothing, Tony decided, although he was convinced his trainer had done no such thing.

Sucking in a breath, he hardened his resolve. "Three, two...one."

Tony leapt forward and crushed it under his other shoe. This time, it was dead.

"Aww, betcha PETA's gonna come find me. Jarvis, for the record, it wasn't me, I didn't see it, and I wasn't even here."

"Noted."

Tony and Pepper exchanged a look and collapsed into relieved laughter.

"Thank you, my brave spider-killer," Pepper said, breathless from laughter.

"No probs, Pepper. That's what I'm here for." Tony replied, equally choked.

And so, after their nerve-racking experience, the pair sat against the bathroom wall and made sure that no other spiders had gotten in. 'Cause, for heaven's sake, Tony's trainers couldn't take another dose of spider guts.

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A/N2 Sorry to spider-lovers, if you exist, but spiders and I go together like potato and orange.

R&R?


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